I wanna passion pit in your ass
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
