We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
