God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need a beard to bite.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
