just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
