So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
