I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize