My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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