The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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