Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
