Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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