i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
