Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
