foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
