Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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