Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize