He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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