Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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