i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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