Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
