update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
