i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
