I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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