ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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