I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize