If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
did you just send me my own nude
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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