We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
