Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
