I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize