If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
