I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I am naked and annoyed.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
