Just fell off a train. Bad.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
