I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
