I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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