I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
