your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
