Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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