a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
