i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
