On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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