So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
