Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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