Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My feet surprised me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize