glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize