Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Enjoy the penises
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
