Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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