Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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