You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
