Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
