Got a toothbrush?
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The uberlube is also flammable
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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