I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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