Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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