my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
