so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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