what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
