my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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