connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
