proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
