my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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